Have You Heard The One About..?
We didn't know you lot were so funny, but thanks to your one-liners and jokes we need never look glum again.
For nearly two weeks you've been sharing your funnies with us to show your support for Comic Relief's Red Nose Day, and we can't sit on that much laughter so it's only fair we share the crackers with you.
Make sure you read these alone - serious giggling could earn you some funny looks!
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one!
On my last holiday I flew with BA... it was terrible.... he kept shouting out, I ain't getting on no plane fool!
Why Some Bachelors Can't Cook:
Two bachelors were talking.
One said to the other: "I got a cookbook the other day, but I can't do any of the recipes."
"Why? Are they too difficult?" asked the second.
"No," the first replied. "It's just that they all start with the same thing: 'Take a clean dish...
What do you call a pig who knows karate?
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Can you smell carrots?
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other guy says, "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"
Okay, this question is just too weird for me but I figure I could just be polite and end the conversation.
I tell him, "No . . . I'm a little busy right now!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen."
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: "That driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.
What do you get if you sit under a cow?
A 'pat' on the head!
Did you hear about the cat that swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens!
I've found a great new diet and exercise routine. Take one Weetabix and one Aero chocolate bar. Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix and viola... AEROBIX!
me pick me!!!!!
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"pretending to eat them. Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my bogey?"
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Someone who lies awake all night long wondering if there really is a dog!
A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.
When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed.
What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?
What goes 99 bonk 99 bonk 99 bonk??
A centipede with a wooden leg!!